Another gloomy day of the lonely heart

I'm watching, or actually, listening to "The Last Lecture" again. I have read the book before and watched the video at least 3 times, if I remember correctly.

Sometimes when you feel like crap, listening to speeches by great people somehow makes you feel like you are great as well. It just feels like they are born to be great the way they are. Of course I know that's not true. They must have gone through all kinds of stuffs before becoming who they are. It's supposed to be a consolation for me. Supposed to be.

What troubles my mind is something that's supposedly got nothing to do with me. Why something that does not belong to you in the first place troubles you so much, idiot?
May be it's the dreams and images that I drew for myself that I miss more. Maybe not.

I attended an one-hour 8o'clock lecture today. It has been a while since I last attended such an early lecture. Or as a matter of fact, since I attended a lecture.

I wonder whether the lecturer actually wonders whether the students understand what he was saying. Or probably after a while he just stops to give it a piece of his mind. Why bothers? From his point of view, probably he sees more than I can from the back. Students sleeping, chatting, droning through the lecture for a sense of security as they think they learn something. I wonder how many lost dreams he sees from there, or probably there's never been a dream.

Just the start of the new term and my schedule seems so packed. 1 DCC project. 1 CS3216 project. 1 archi project. Duty of a committee head. And I still want to return to sports. No wonder I don't have time for what I should have done. Or maybe it's just not meant to be.

I talked to a friend yesterday. He was kind of amazed by what I'm doing. "You should plan your future more carefully". Why the hell should an Electrical Engineering guy takes a CS module? If you want to start a business, why choose to take another technical minor. I think he must be shocked if he knows I'm doing an archi project.
Maybe I don't feel like myself without overworking myself. Maybe that's a way to forget other things. Most probably, I'm crazy.
I didn't want to argue with him over "the future". I always believe I cannot "plan" it. In the short term, maybe I can try to "align" along some direction, but I cannot tell who I will become in the next 10 years. "We can only see how things piece up looking backwards."

Another freaking gloomy day.
Probably because of nothing but the drinking and almost all-nighter tomorrow.

Or maybe not. Because of my eyes.